In my training as a Unitarian Universalist Animal Chaplain, one of the central concepts studied was “disenfranchised grief.” The term refers to the deep, heartfelt, wracking grief we can feel at the death of an animal, and the fact that society typically fails to recognize and validate that grief. Many people experience the death of a companion animal with the same intensity they would the death of any other family member. Yet, when we lose an animal, we are not thought of or treated as bereaved. Sympathy cards do not come in the mail. Employers rarely allow any bereavement leave. No obituary is published. Typically, there is no memorial service or celebration of life. Occasionally, we even hear comments to the effect that “It was only a dog,” or “You can get another cat.” This disenfranchisement can exacerbate our suffering and make us feel isolated in our sorrow.

In the face of this disenfranchised grief, many mourners begin asking themselves questions like, “How long is this going to last?” or “Will I keep crying every day?” or “Am I losing my mind?” My training addressed these questions with the recognition that grief operates on its own timetable, sometimes coming and going in waves, and that intense, prolonged grief at the loss of a beloved animal is not a sign of mental illness.

Sources of comfort and support are available.

• The individual or household can write (or find on the internet) and read aloud a ritual for the deceased, as simple or elaborate as they like.
• Some people choose a new candle and burn it whenever they are at home until it is gone, as a way of honoring the animal’s life and releasing his or her spirit.
• Others create an altar with the animal’s collar and toys.
• Asking for a candle of sorrow at our Sunday service makes the church community aware of the loss.
• UU Minister Rev. Russell Elleven, Chaplain of UU Animal Ministry, facilitates a monthly support group for those grieving animals, whether the loss is recent, long ago, or anticipated. The group meets on Zoom the first Wednesday of every month at 8:00 p.m. Eastern and typically lasts an hour.  Anyone seeking more information can contact Russell through his website at https://www.animalchaplain.net.
• As BBUUC’s Animal Chaplain, I am available at any time to anyone with needs related to an animal.

If you have lost an animal, as many of us have, may special memories of your dear friend bring you comfort.  Please know that the love you and your animal shared, and your grief for the loss of that animal, matter a great deal.